My sleep pattern is so messed up right now. Last night I eventually fell asleep at 7am in the morning and woke up around 4pm in the afternoon. I just dont see the point of sticking to a regular, more ''healthy'' sleep pattern when I rarely even leave the house anymore. I used to be such a fun, outgoing person, who held down 2 jobs, had friends, saw family, did normal, everyday things... never suffered with anxiety or depression or mood swings... I was just me... and I was okay with that.
Now... I am everything I swore I never would be... I'm unemployed, I'm receive income from the government... although I really cant complain about that and I am forever grateful, because I dont know where I would be without it. I do have my own place, and such adorable pets... but most of all, I have my girlfriend... my rock, my world, my everything... she is amazing and so supportive... I really dont know what I would do without her... She puts up with so much crap from me it's unbelievable... however, she also has a mental health problem... she has Bipolar, which can prove to be an awful match sometimes... we can be so amazing together one minute and ready to kill each other the next... it's rather scary... although it has settled down so much the last few months... I should probably mention the fact that my girlfriend is an American citizen... so that in itself is very stressful... we have been struggling with the whole long distance for almost 2 years now... and we have been to hell and back numerous times with the whole Visa thing... I've been to the states twice, even tried living there... made it out there 3 months and all hell broke loose and I had to come home... she has also been out here twice now... and she is in the process of applying for permanent residency... and that, is a nightmare let me tell you... the only way for us to be together, and for her to stay here... is for us to get married... *sigh* so, this last visit back to England is almost up... we get 6 months to plan the marriage, then we go through with it and she stays, or... she leaves and we never see each other again... we just cant afford the long distance anymore... so it's now or never... the plan is to go through with it in January... send the papers and fee, and she stays and she can work... however, I cant help but worry, worry if this is the right thing to do... I love Beth with all my heart and I want her to stay... but, we are sooo not ready for this, it's so much pressure... we have no money for any sort of real ceremony so it will literally just be a quick sign the papers and walla! all done... but that's not what I want... that's not what anyone would want... a marriage is supposed to be fun and exciting... the start of an amazing, happy future... but ours, is just going to be rushed and forced upon us because we have no other option if we want to try to make this work... I dont know... I just always pictured my wedding to be this perfect day... and I wont even get to pick out a dress, a cake, flowers, our rings, our honeymoon... none of that... just a piece of paper... and so soon... I'm only 21... dont get me wrong, I want to marry Beth... I just wanted to wait a couple of years first... until we were 100% ready... emotionally, mentally and financially... but... this is what the embassy wants, so this is what they will get...... not like we have another option.
I have so much more to say but I'm tired of writing now, and I feel like my head might explode if I think about this topic any longer.
Goodnight x
About Me
- Life of a Borderline
- Hi :) I made this blog in an attempt to help with my recent diagnosis - 'Borderline Personality Disorder' I want to find a healthy place to vent, let out frustration and learn more about myself and my disorder... so that maybe one day I can reach the road to recovery.
I feel exactly the same hun, I actually grieve over the person I used to be. I used to be fun, outgoing, the life of the party, working full time and seeing friends in the evenings. Now I work only 2 days a week which today I feel too ill to even go in. I have no life now and never see my friends often and cannot go clubbing and stuff anymore because of my psychosis and anxiety.
ReplyDeleteI really hope things work out with you and your girlfriend, sounds like you really love her but marrying her is something you arent 100% about doing now but are happy to do in the future. Its a shame you have to get married just so she can stay in England so soon but I am sure it will all turn out okay :) Thinking of you xx
Thanks sweetie, it is a shame it has to be so soon and so rushed, but... we'll make it work, we have had to make it work for 2 years now... travelling back and forth, applying for numerous visas... so, we'll just have to think of it as another stepping stone towards our better future... and we can always have a proper ceramony down the line :)
ReplyDeleteI must say, I understand completely about the not being able to go out with friends etc, I feel like such a shit friend now, I make plans and then cancel them because of ''bad days'' I have to force myself to do things and put on a smile when all I want to do is sleep. One thing I will say though is, I really respect you for managing to work those 2 days a week, it might not seem like a lot but atleast you are doing something! The pure thought of returning to work scares the crap out of me, I know I couldn't handle it right now... so you should be really proud of yourself for holding down a part time job... it's something! I noticed you are finding it hard lately after reading your last blog entry, and you are off sick... if you feel like work is making you worse, there are so many benefits you are entitled to if you feel you need a break. But bare in mind, it's harder to return to work once you leave completely... atleast you have some sort of social life and you're seeing people. I very rarely leave the house now... and it's no fun! :(
Hope you're ok hun, keep smiling! :) xxx