Cant do this.

Fed up... fed up of things going good just to turn bad again... you'd think I'd be used to it by now but I'm not... instead I feel that much worse and that much more disappointed each time it happens.

I dont know anymore, I dont think she understands... I dont know how much she really wants this, like really wants this... she should know by now that I'm insecure, I cant change that... so why does she treat me like this? Why is everything always my fault? Why am I always the bad guy? Why cant she just leave me alone, I hate it! I FUCKING HATE IT. She thinks I'm flirting, she thinks I'm ignoring her on purpose when I'm just trying to be alone... She hates me being online but she's here 24/7 she never gives me space... so why cant I just be alone for a few minutes to write! Great, now the guilt trip... she's crying... ''I miss you, where are you?!'' *shakes head* I'm so fed up... she doesn't even love me so why is she doing this! why is she here? Why doesn't she just go home, I cant handle this anymore! I just want somebody who understands... I dont want someone who makes me feel worse!
All of this presure... we're supposed to have a decision by the end of this month, or she goes home... how can we make such a big decision like this based on this drama! This isn't a relationship... this fighting, arguing, crying... lack of trust, hate, sarcasm, bullshit, paranoia, selfishness... I cant live like this... I dont want this anymore... I dont want none of it... I just want to be alone. Enough is enough!