Why? Why do I feel so gone? I am now so distant I just don't belong. Now I'm ripped away from existence. I've become so transparent that I lost all substance. Sitting nowhere, breathing fake air. We don't feel anymore, so we can't care. Its about time I clear my throat. Let the hellish screams out till I begin to float. I'd run a million miles from here, just to get out of this cage and escape from fear. You know you're screwed when you crave pain, you wanna bleed all throughout your brain. The blood in my veins is proof of life. I'm not sure if its there, so I reveal it with a knife. Not me any more, don't know myself. Prisoner in my own skin, I no longer comprehend health. It's all in the family they used to say. It's all in the family so it must be ok. They hurt and rape her, they slash and tear her, they kill and torture, they love the terror. We are our own army so lets retaliate. Fight, destroy, show them real hate. Look at the fire in her eyes. That roaring beast never hides. She lost all she ever had. Blood seeps through her skin cause it hurts so bad. Her shattered heart pounds against her breast, scattered pieces cutting holes in her chest. Slowly she fades as she quickly she drowns. Covered in guilt, sequestered from sounds. Tilting on the edge, about to fall off. Her mind is so lacerated it has become leathery and soft.

Fuck New years.

┌П┐(◣_◢)┌П┐ Christmas....... ┌П┐(◣_◢)┌П┐ New years eve.......... ┌П┐(◣_◢)┌П┐ 2011

Things are not going to change overnight so why pretend!?

...Later.

Malibu, risks and change!

Oh...My...God... What am I doing?! *Breathes*................

3am thoughts and sleeplessness.

My sleep pattern is so messed up right now. Last night I eventually fell asleep at 7am in the morning and woke up around 4pm in the afternoon. I just dont see the point of sticking to a regular, more ''healthy'' sleep pattern when I rarely even leave the house anymore. I used to be such a fun, outgoing person, who held down 2 jobs, had friends, saw family, did normal, everyday things... never suffered with anxiety or depression or mood swings... I was just me... and I was okay with that.
Now... I am everything I swore I never would be... I'm unemployed, I'm receive income from the government... although I really cant complain about that and I am forever grateful, because I dont know where I would be without it. I do have my own place, and such adorable pets... but most of all, I have my girlfriend... my rock, my world, my everything... she is amazing and so supportive... I really dont know what I would do without her... She puts up with so much crap from me it's unbelievable... however, she also has a mental health problem... she has Bipolar, which can prove to be an awful match sometimes... we can be so amazing together one minute and ready to kill each other the next... it's rather scary... although it has settled down so much the last few months... I should probably mention the fact that my girlfriend is an American citizen... so that in itself is very stressful... we have been struggling with the whole long distance for almost 2 years now... and we have been to hell and back numerous times with the whole Visa thing... I've been to the states twice, even tried living there... made it out there 3 months and all hell broke loose and I had to come home... she has also been out here twice now... and she is in the process of applying for permanent residency... and that, is a nightmare let me tell you... the only way for us to be together, and for her to stay here... is for us to get married... *sigh* so, this last visit back to England is almost up... we get 6 months to plan the marriage, then we go through with it and she stays, or... she leaves and we never see each other again... we just cant afford the long distance anymore... so it's now or never... the plan is to go through with it in January... send the papers and fee, and she stays and she can work... however, I cant help but worry, worry if this is the right thing to do... I love Beth with all my heart and I want her to stay... but, we are sooo not ready for this, it's so much pressure... we have no money for any sort of real ceremony so it will literally just be a quick sign the papers and walla! all done... but that's not what I want... that's not what anyone would want... a marriage is supposed to be fun and exciting... the start of an amazing, happy future... but ours, is just going to be rushed and forced upon us because we have no other option if we want to try to make this work... I dont know... I just always pictured my wedding to be this perfect day... and I wont even get to pick out a dress, a cake, flowers, our rings, our honeymoon... none of that... just a piece of paper... and so soon... I'm only 21... dont get me wrong, I want to marry Beth... I just wanted to wait a couple of years first... until we were 100% ready... emotionally, mentally and financially... but... this is what the embassy wants, so this is what they will get...... not like we have another option.

I have so much more to say but I'm tired of writing now, and I feel like my head might explode if I think about this topic any longer.

Goodnight x

Love the way you lie (Part 2)

On the first page of our story, the future seems so bright.
And this thing turned out so evil, I don’t know why I’m still surprised.
Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take death to new extremes.
But you’ll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

Now this gravel in our voices, glass is shattered from the fight.
In this tug of war, you’ll always win, even when I’m right.
Cause you feed me fables from your hand,
With violet words and empty threats and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.
Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories.

[Eminem]
This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry that you
pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me
try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’
this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
with you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

Cant do this.

Fed up... fed up of things going good just to turn bad again... you'd think I'd be used to it by now but I'm not... instead I feel that much worse and that much more disappointed each time it happens.

I dont know anymore, I dont think she understands... I dont know how much she really wants this, like really wants this... she should know by now that I'm insecure, I cant change that... so why does she treat me like this? Why is everything always my fault? Why am I always the bad guy? Why cant she just leave me alone, I hate it! I FUCKING HATE IT. She thinks I'm flirting, she thinks I'm ignoring her on purpose when I'm just trying to be alone... She hates me being online but she's here 24/7 she never gives me space... so why cant I just be alone for a few minutes to write! Great, now the guilt trip... she's crying... ''I miss you, where are you?!'' *shakes head* I'm so fed up... she doesn't even love me so why is she doing this! why is she here? Why doesn't she just go home, I cant handle this anymore! I just want somebody who understands... I dont want someone who makes me feel worse!
All of this presure... we're supposed to have a decision by the end of this month, or she goes home... how can we make such a big decision like this based on this drama! This isn't a relationship... this fighting, arguing, crying... lack of trust, hate, sarcasm, bullshit, paranoia, selfishness... I cant live like this... I dont want this anymore... I dont want none of it... I just want to be alone. Enough is enough!